From Broken to Blessed

When my mom passed away it affected me in ways I could have never imagined.  The grief was something I couldn’t comprehend until I experienced it myself.  I was broken.  The day that I watched her take her last breath, was the day my life started spiraling away from God.

Prior to that day, I was already bitter about certain things which He had not brought into my life.  And then the day He took my precious mother out of our lives on earth, I became angry.  The kind of angry you get at someone who does you wrong and you stop speaking to them.  And that’s exactly what I did.  I slowly pulled away from God and didn’t want to have anything to do with Him or the church.

I had all of the normal questions, of “why would He let her die, when He heals others of their cancer?”  Or “why did He let her get cancer to being with?”  Those are things that I still don’t understand, but I’ve learned that it’s not my job to understand them.  It’s my job to accept them, and trust that God’s plan is mighty.  And yes, I still question why that would be His plan, but I’ve also made it to the acceptance part.

Overcoming the loss of my mom was something I thought I could handle on my own.  I thought as time passed, things would get better.  But trying to manage things on my own only made them become worse.  On the outside, I probably looked like I had it all together.  Those who were close enough to me knew that was not the truth.  And I was even beginning to question what I believed in.

After finally admitting that I could not do this on my own anymore (but still not admitting I needed God’s help with it), I starting seeking out a counselor.  I now believe that was part of God’s plan for me, and I also believe it was His plan for the counselor I found.  I hear stories of people having to switch counselors multiple times before they find the right one.  Luckily, my search led me to someone that would be a great fit for me.  Which then allowed me to feel comfortable in going long enough to see progress and not give up after the first session.

It took MANY sessions for me to get where I am today, and I’m forever grateful to my counselor for being patient with me, as well as encouraging the entire time.  She is supportive, pushes me outside of my comfort zone, and is my sounding board when I need someone to run things by.  She challenges me in ways that make me look forward to the next homework assignment.  (But shhhh, don’t tell her that.  Let’s just keep that part between you and me!)  It’s an exciting feeling whenever I have completed one of those assignments since most of them are things I never thought I could accomplish.  And just like a kid in school, I like to go back the following session and get my (imaginary) gold star for completing the assignment.

Some of those assignments have included taking risks, trying new things to expand my network, being more vulnerable, communication, and finding joy in the little things.  Before counseling, my comfort zone was very small.  And through these assignments my comfort zone has been expanded to where certain situations don’t seem impossible anymore.  I’m now less anxious when one of these situations comes up.  The skills I have learned for managing various circumstances are invaluable to me, and have made every hour of counseling worth it.

My life has been transformed over the last few years from broken to blessed.  Growth has come out of tragedy, and the growth is revealing a person that had been lost.  Through counseling, I went from being someone who was questioning everything about her life, including her spiritual beliefs, to someone who found a new church home, serves regularly at church, is thriving in a new career, someone who chooses joy, and is living out her dreams.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”  Romans 15:13 (ESV)

I credit this growth to my counselor’s guidance, but deep down I know God still gets the credit because He led me to her, and He has been the one the guiding each of our sessions.  Even though I started going to counseling for grief, I soon discovered it would help in other areas of my life also.  BEST.  DECISION.  EVER.

I used to be someone who didn’t think I needed counseling and was embarrassed about going.  But now, I’m a believer of what it can do to help our lives, and I recommend it every time I get the opportunity.  I believe that our mental health should be taken as seriously as our physical health.  And having seen the benefits of counseling first-hand, I encourage everyone to consider it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go collect my gold star for being vulnerable enough to share my story with you!